a draft now published

They (I don't know who) always talk about how beautiful and lovely nature is... the rosy flowers, the galloping gazelles, the fields of carefree chickens and hedgehogs... the epitome of divine creation...... pffffff. Nature just gave me my worst depression in my adult life. Go fuck yourself.

But it may have been warranted. Here's the backstory: I camped in a rural suburb near Burlington, Vermont on Memorial Weekend. Had no access to wifi. Just some pasta, guac and chips, no bedding, two books (one of which I actually read), and my man. I did not come prepared...

We traveled for 4 1/2 hours for this trip. The hills rolled for 3 of them. The trees were beaming down at me as I entered their domain. I marveled at their friends - the spruce, the spazzy squirrels, the jittery deer, the big big rocks, and the fleas - as I drove on by. I felt welcome... I was happy to be there.

And then, I had too much time to think about the past 8 months. I didn't expect 8 months of developing self-discipline would cause me to hate my life more, but it did. I didn't think that after cultivating the attribute I wanted the most, I would still be disappointed in myself. I grinded day after day... I didn't think that after slaving myself away to becoming the person I wanted to become would be such a waste of time. I wanted to like myself more. I wanted to respect myself. But I found that liking oneself and respecting oneself is not the same.

I did everything I needed to do to respect myself, and it just took me to the dregs of internal slavery. It was a trap I didn't see coming. I felt fulfilled and accomplished along the way. I gained social influence. I have earned the respect and authority of my peers. And I couldn't hate the life I have created more.

I can't find the words to describe the disappointment I feel in my own successful cultivation of discipline. I don't like myself any more than I did before, and I don't respect myself either. What did I do wrong? In the past, I thought I would like myself more if I became the person I knew would be successful. Disciplined, hard-working, doing more than was asked of me... And I still can't find an ounce within my consciousness to like myself. What is wrong with me? What did I do?

I made a plan.

I want to be free.