i have a circle of men

I know that sounds sus given that I am in a loving, committed... monogamous... relationship, but, please, let me explain myself.

Today, I was flipped over. I was choked out. I was tripped, submitted, and outwitted. I lost. I'm a small 125 pound anemic woman trying to grapple with 180+ pound used to be college footballer/going into the navy/have a black belt in judo men. Not a recipe for success. Yet, these men keep asking for a fight. Also, for context, I am talking about Brazilian Jiu Jitsu... in case you were wondering..........

Whenever I see a brand-new white gi that has never been worn on a muscular older man who has no stripes on his belt, I make sure to stay out of his goddamn sight. Don't know what's goin' on there but I won't be the one to find out.... I never roll with the new guys. They don't know how to be gentle. Or aggressive. Depends on the guy... But today, I had no choice. Everyone was rolling with everyone for class. And I got paired up with the new guy.

I tried to avoid his eyes, but he beamed at me. My agreeable self said, "Why not, he looks so nice!" And he was. He was so nice and caring. But he didn't know strength. Balancing quite well, I tried to get into a better position so that I can earn the points. The next thing I knew, I was flipped onto my head, and I couldn't remember how I got there.

The external world was shaking, my internal world was fluttering, and I couldn't think. He asked if I was okay, and I thought I was. Until I started walking away. Boom! I was in the corner of the mat holding my head because the world felt metaphysical. My internal and external world were waves crashing into another, which one was which, I have yet to remember.

Next thing I know, I have the professor in front of me, my boyfriend holding me, and several guys towering over me making sure that I was okay. Bombarded with questions - "Are you okay?", "Do you need water?" "Are you dizzy?", "What happened?".

Then, the guy who did it appeared by side profusely apologizing and started holding my back. I felt so bad. Which feels weird because I was the only girl in class, and I was the one who was hurt. But here was a man apologizing because he didn't know how much power he had in his hands. He didn't want to hurt me.

And I turned out fine. I sat out for 5 minutes, got some water, balanced my internal state, and I was back at it again. Actually, I fought  him again, and he was a lot gentler that time... Thank goodness.

My rolling partners were all so concerned about me, it was overwhelming. Every single one asked if I was okay or if I needed anything. They double checked over and over again until the end of class. They all did their wellness checks and encouraged me to sit down and rest (haha... no). And the guy that did it couldn't stop apologizing to me after class.

I couldn't stop thinking about it.

Every single one.

And I don't talk to anyone of them outside of class (or in class for that matter). Yet, they went out of their way to make sure I was okay, talk to Professor, comfort me, encourage me, make me drink water, sit down, and check up with me by texting me or in class the next day...

I have to say that this was the first time that I have felt an overwhelming sense of protection and concern by a group of people. My people. Generally, people always say that you need a group of like-minded people to be your backbone. Your support network. A lot of these people who say this around me are women and they say that you need a group of girls who get it. Well...Frankly, I don't have that in my life right now. I haven't had it for a long time. But, I have a circle of men who were willing to do so much for my wellbeing. Actually, I learned after the fact that some guys were ready to beat that guy up in the middle of class....Uhhh... unnecessary, but appreciate it.... I guess....

Anyways...

Thank you to all of the men who care about me, who want to protect me, and who give me encouragement to fight again. I am grateful. I will fight you guys again. You are valued.